


Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz

by BarryJayBluejeans (Oak_Leaf)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Heated Opinions About Snack Food, Humor, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Transcript Format, blatant overuse of the word fantasy but Griffin started it mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-17 22:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15471810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oak_Leaf/pseuds/BarryJayBluejeans
Summary: Want to keep in touch with the brother-in-law you spent 100 years becoming family with? Why not try bursting into his workplace once a week, and recording yourselves as you try gas station food? It's perfect!





	Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz

[theme music plays]

 

[camera zooms out from art of TAAKO and BARRY side-by-side, with TAAKO holding a fantasy microphone]

 

[cut to TAAKO and BARRY sitting in what looks to be an ordinary workspace in a room with walls made of swirling black mist]

 

TAAKO

Live from the Raven Queen’s court in the atmospheric Ghosty-Ghost Hunter dimension, it’s Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz. It’s ch’boy and host, Taako from TV! And with me today is my special guest, Barold Bluejeans.

 

[TAAKO points his fantasy microphone to BARRY.]

 

BARRY

You can, um, just say co-host. I’m here every time, and this _is_ my office we’re filming—

 

TAAKO

Greet the audience, Barry. Be professional.

 

BARRY

Oh, um, hey. But, I really don’t see why you can’t just say I’m—

 

TAAKO

[crosstalk] That’s right, m’dudes! The most popular food-review quiz show in the entire planar system, brought to you by the go-to expert on good eats—hello, it’s Taako. And also featuring the guy who will never be co-host, because he thinks grilled salmon in olive butter pairs well with chardonnay, _and_ tried microwaving his almond milk cereal.

 

BARRY

One time. I did that once.

 

TAAKO

Once is _enough_. It’s a thing that I had to know about. It’s living in my brain now, forever, and you’ve cursed me with that memory, and your food sins are not forgiven. Anywho! Before we get into the whole deal, we’ve been getting some noise from, mm, let’s call them joyless haters who wanna make everyone else as miserable as them.

 

BARRY

That’s one way to put it, yeah. A lot of folks are confused, I guess?

 

TAAKO

Taako, they say. Taako, why are you—a world-renowned chef of top tier skill, who has tasted the best dishes in uhh, a hundred worlds and is still topin’ ‘em with his own delectable, fantastic food creations—why are you wasting your time with food from a fantasy gas station?

 

BARRY

Taako. Why are you wasting your time with food from  gas station?

 

TAAKO

‘Cuz Taako ain’t no snob, and he can appreciate food that’s exactly what it’s tryin’ to be. Look who thinks they’re better than Fantasy Sheetz.

 

BARRY

There you go. So, Taako, what’re we trying today?

 

[TAAKO produces a Fantasy Sheetz bag, and after some digging, he pulls out a plastic-packaged snack good.]

 

TAAKO

Got here some uh, fantasy super donuts. Tell ‘em how the show works while I pop this thing open.

 

[He hands BARRY the fantasy microphone, and begins picking at the plastic.]

 

BARRY

You guys know the, uh, the drill. It’s Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz—Taako buys some food, and he tries ite, while I figure out whether or not he likes it.

 

[TAAKO is having a hard time, and resorts to tugging at the package with his teeth.]

[A door creaks off camera]

 

KRAVITZ, OFF CAMERA

Barry, have you turned in the reports from the cult—Taako?

 

[TAAKO startles and smoothly throws the fantasy super donut at BARRY, trying to look nonchalant. The package hits BARRY in the face.]

 

TAAKO

Hey, skeleman.

 

KRAVITZ, OFF CAMERA

What—on, no. No, no, no, Taako, you promised me. We talked, remember?

 

TAAKO

Dunno whatcha mean. I just popped in for a visit with ol’ Barold, here. Y’know, chat, catch up, uhhh make sure he’s eating properly? Definitely not filming—let me check. Nope. Not filming anything.

 

[KRAVITZ steps into view, and sharply gestures his hand at the filming camera]

 

BARRY

Is that on?

 

KRAVITZ

We—I went over this with both of you. _Both_ of you. You can’t put on a food show in the middle of the Astral Plane! There are _rules_.

 

TAAKO

When did you become Mister Lawful Neutral?

 

KRAVITZ

I obey rules!

 

[BARRY and TAAKO look dubious]

 

KRAVITZ

I—don’t bend rules without cause. Living mortals aren’t allowed to enter the Astral Plane at will, and certainly not to distract the Queen’s reapers from their work.

 

BARRY

I am on break, though.

 

TAAKO

He’s on break!

 

BARRY

So it’s not like he’s distracting me from anything?

 

KRAVITZ

Listen. There’s only so much I can do to keep you in my Queen’s good graces if you continue displeasing her. I’m only worried on your behalves.

 

BARRY

I mean, you’re kinda making the assumption that she would have a problem with this...

 

KRAVITZ

[crosstalk] Oh, oh, my _mistake_ . I shouldn’t have jumped to the _wild_ conclusion that she wouldn’t want her plane transformed into a recording studio.

 

BARRY

...and she won’t have a problem if she doesn’t know, and she won’t know unless if someone decides to narc us out.

 

[KRAVITZ is silent. TAAKO rests his chin on his hands and leans towards him.]

 

TAAKO

You can keep our little secret, can’t you, Krav?

 

KRAVITZ

I—well, now. Well, I will, but—

 

[TAAKO cheers.]

 

KRAVITZ

But my silence is no guarantee that she won’t know. This is her domain, and you can’t expect her not to find out. Eventually, she will. Honestly, I'm surprised she hasn’t already.

 

TAAKO

Pshaw, we can deal with Bird Mom.

 

KRAVITZ

Please, don’t call her that.

 

[A feather drifts down in the air by KRAVITZ’S head, seemingly from his hair.]

 

BARRY

Kravitz, you uh, got something.

 

[KRAVITZ notices the feather and stiffens. BARRY frowns. TAAKO looks mildly interested.]

 

BARRY

Is that…

 

KRAVITZ

The Queen is summoning us.

 

BARRY

Um, Taako…

 

TAAKO

No worries, my man. Just pop in to the, uh, spooky throne room, do a little schmoozing—which, no biggie. ‘Cause she loves me. She loves Kravitz. Not too sure about you, but she deffo loves Lup, so you’ve got that going for you. We’re gonna be f—

 

[The three vanish all together, there one moment, then gone. The feather finishes floating out of shot.]

[End theme plays and credits roll. After the credits have faded, the camera returns to the recording room, where we see TAAKO and BARRY again, BARRY now having moved to sit beside TAAKO. The entire left side of the shot is taken up by THE RAVEN QUEEN. She is magnificent, impossible, and too large to fit into the shot. We only see her torso and arms, and her XXX-L “Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz” shirt. In the background, KRAVTIZ is barely visible, and although blurry, he appears to have his head in his hands.]

 

TAAKO

Just to uhh, y’know, be clear: you cool with us doin’ this here?

 

THE RAVEN QUEEN

**AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT INTERFERE WITH MY EMISSARIES’ DUTIES, I SEE NO REASON WHY I WOULD NOT BE COOL WITH IT. IT IS BARRY BLUEJEANS’S APPOINTED BREAK PERIOD, AFTER ALL.**

 

BARRY

Great, then.

 

TAAKO

Alright, hand me that good snack, Barry, and let’s get a’tasting!

 

[BARRY hands him the fantasy super donut, and TAAKO finally succeeds in opening the packaging. He breaks off a chunk, pops it in his mouth, and chews. He pauses. He holds the rest of the super donut out and drops it into a trash can, then fires a magic missile at it.]

 

BARRY

Guess you don’t like it, then.

 

THE RAVEN QUEEN

**INDEED.**

 

TAAKO

It—’kay, lemme put it like this: There’s a place for corn dogs, and there’s a place cinnamon sugar—and m’dudes? Look Taako in the eyes, and listen to me right now, ‘cuz it should never be the same place at the same time, holy _shit_. That’s one nasty boy.

 

BARRY

Nasty boy. Official rating for the fantasy super donut. That’ll do it? Um, do—oh, also thank you to her majesty for...making a special appearance, I guess.

 

THE RAVEN QUEEN

**I AM HAPPY TO BE HERE, LITTLE ONE. YOUR PROGRAM IS MOST ENTERTAINING, AND SURELY BRINGS JOY TO ALL WHO SEE IT. IN WHATEVER WAY I MAY ASSIST IN ITS CONTINUATION, SO IT WILL BE.**

 

TAAKO

Aw, dunk, Goddess endorsement!

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently Sheetz isn't known outside of a small area in the eastern United States? Picture a gas station/convenience store. No, cleaner. Picture it also with a little made-to-order food section. Picture a lot of sugary snacks, the scent of cheap coffee over floor cleaner, hot dogs that look like heated playdough, and a lot of red accents. There you go, that's Sheetz.
> 
> Things I Bought At Sheetz is: www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfH4HJ9AAqVQKL-GIzAakhbFxDSWIbhOM


End file.
